Suicide Club by Sion Sono [2002]

Title: Suicide Club [aka Suicide Circle]
Director: Sion Sono
Starring: Saya Hagiwara, Ryo Ishibashi, Akaji Maro
Runtime: 99 minutes
Year: 2002

I hunted down this movie after only seeing a short 2 minute clip on YouTube of the opening scene. A scene that includes 54 laughing schoolgirls jumping in front of a speeding train. It's a cheese bloodsplatter shot that makes me smile all big on the inside. I was certain this was going to be another comedy driven J-horror film.

Unfortunately, not so much.

Instead it's this drawn out confusing mesh of social commentary, mass suicidals, unlikeable characters, and over the top annoying pop music that seems to come out of nowhere randomly. Uh, fun?

Maybe I'm just not with it today, cause I only understood what was going on about half the time and even then, it wasn't anything all that special. Sure there was some sweet scenes here and there but over all, I just wasn't impressed.

The suicides were played out nicely for the most part. Almost every one was acted out by people with smiles on their faces, speaking together as though they are about to go out for a night of good times instead of stepping off a rooftop. If there was a little less social commentary and maybe a little more focus on the actual characters [and easy to warm up to ones would of been nice] then I think I may of kinda sorta enjoyed this movie.

It was most certainly nice on the eyes to watch, beautifully done, but that's all I got.

If for some reason you come down with the chicken pox next week and need to kill some time keeping your feet up, rent this. It'll kill and hour and a half for you with a few random upskirt shots, mediocre gore, and a few head scratching moments.

Half-assed recommended.


Jo

Boy Eats Girl by Stephen Bradley [2005]

Title: Boy Eats Girl
Director: Stephen Bradley
Starring: Samantha Mumba, David Leon, Tadhg Murphy
Runtime: 80 minutes
Year: 2005

Occasionally I wish there was a specialty made fast forward button simply titled "Cut the Shit" that drags you right to the goods. This is a movie that should be used as my perfect example for such an invention.

A little backstory shall we? Nathan, oh Nathan. The typical high school boy that crushes on his best friend but lacks the balls to chase her. But Nathan's in luck, for it seems Mrs. Potential Girlfriend Jessica just may have a little interest in him too. Aw, how Disney.

After a series of miscommunication Nathan fears he's lost Jessica for good so the only logical next step at this point is suicide by hanging. Well of course, what else would a silly high school boy do?

But to die is clearly not so easy these dies. Not when your mom knows just how to bring her dear son back from the grave. Who cares if he must live on a fresh supply of flesh and brains from here on out? At least he'll be home for Thanksgiving.

For a movie that's only 80 minutes in lenght, the entire first half is an utter bore if you can't tell from my tone above. It was almost painful to sit and watch the same teen movie garbage we've seen time and time again. At least with those Irish accents I have something to pay attention too. Similar to if there was an adorable dog running around, it's cute to watch but certainly nothing to write home about.

Once the school goes mad and kiddies are eating each other left and right things really pick up and the movie takes an unexcepted turn. The gore is certainly there, the cheese factor is high, and the kills may not be all that original but they are most definitely entertaining. Even the comedy is pretty on point. The majority of the characters are nothing more than a body to be consumed but still with the small parts they are given the cast for the most part rocked it. The token scumbag entourage that accompanies Nathan during his adventures are nothing out of the norm but seem to give a nice break here and there from the pupply love mess.

Overall, if you want some short and bittersweet zombie kill scenes watch the last 30 minutes or so. Watching the beginning is similar to watching a Sweet Valley High re-run.

Half-ass recommended.


Jo

Rest Stop: Dead Ahead by John Shiban [2006]

Title: Rest Stop [Unrated version]
Director: John Shiban
Starring: Jaimie Alexander, Joey Mendicino, Joseph Lawrence
Runtime: 85
Year: 2006

There's some days where all I wanna do is toss in a movie soaked of blood, where no real plot is needed just the usual suspects torturing each other. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I just may need professional help.

Rest Stop sure delivers the blood and the typical damsel-in-distress set-up. We have a young couple comprised of recent runaway Nicole and her attractive enough boyfriend Jess making their way to Los Angeles.

As you can guess from the title, the movie makes a highway rest stop it's center stage, as if they aren't disgusting enough as is. When Nicole has to take a tinkle, they stop only for her to come out to find her boyfriend has vanished. Right away she seems to put it all together to figure out a serial killer must be responsible. Give this gal an award, I simply would of assumed something better came along if I were her.

Like most lovely, yet clueless, ladies in these films we tend to love so much, Nicole just keeps hanging around this rest stop. No matter how many times she escapes, or how many times people try to kill her and those she comes into contact with, she keeps returning. Maybe she has the runs and can't bear to be away from the toilet? Whatever the case, it gets to the point where you kind of just want her to die already. To much time is spent on the same cat and mouse game where we don't get to see the one doing all the chasing, nor do we get to see boob from the one being chased. I need something people, or how else do you intend to keep my attention?

The gore scenes sure do deliver when we get them and hey- we even get a small cameo from Mr. Blossom himself, Joey 'Woah!' Lawrence! We even get to see him get shot in the face! Win-win for all involved.

The sum it all up: The plot sucks but the disgusting stuff is there in just the right amount. So if you are anything like me and just want those mindless movie days filled with guts and junk, then borrow this one from your neighbour [cause I wouldn't want to pay for it].


Half-assed recommended.

j.



ps. To keep up with my blog and how I tend to go about it, I won't be reviewing the movies I watched while MIA. I don't ever review anything I saw more than a few days ago, one of few guidelines I've set for myself way back when. :)

Deathwatch by Michael J. Bassett [2002]

Title: Deathwatch
Director: Michael J. Bassett
Starring: Jamie Bell, Rúaidhrí Conroy, Mike Downey
Runtime: 94 minutes
Year: 2002
Source: Generation X Video

Deathwatch starts out with a bunch of British soldiers stumbling unto an almost empty trench. All that remains is a few German soldiers on the verge of death with a few warnings of their own. The setting is WW1 wartime full of mud, fog, rain, and the smell of death.

The British boys had just been through a night of hell leaving them lost and alone. They decide to secure the trench and camp out there until they can reach help. Before long they come to realize they just might not be alone. Someone or something is in the supposed secured trench with them.

We've seen most of the characters in other films before, as they tend to cover every soldier stereotype possible, which isn't really all that bad. But not all to original, either. The location is dead on, the trench itself is one of the movies winning points. It's quite disgusting. There is dead bodies all over in various degrees of decomp, the whole place is soaked muddy water, with rats and other gross little creatures running around. Sounds lovely, I wonder what they charge for rent?

My main issue with this release is all the aimless wandering, seeming to go nowhere. Too much time spent on nothing is time that could be better spent. Also, maybe because this sort of play out has been done over and over again, I found it to be a little too predictable. Not to deep into the film and you've pretty much got it all figured out. Leaves for little to look forward too, also the scare level is not too high. There is some really good intense moments, but they tend to be cut short.

I would suggest you check this out if you are a fan of wartime movies in general, otherwise I'd say skip it.

Half-ass recommended.


j.

Unrest by Jason Todd Ipson [2006]

Title: Unrest
Director: Jason Todd Ipson
Starring: Corri English, Scot Davis, Joshua Alba
Runtime: 88 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Generation X Video

There is two things that irk the hell out me when it comes to movies - useless love plots added in and terrible music. Sadly for Unrest, it has both.

However, Unrest also features plenty of medical scenes [my weakness], well done dead bodies, and overall I like the way it was filmed. If it wasn't for the actual characters, I may of really liked this film. But last time I checked, they tend to need characters for movies? Eh, whatever. The dead bodies ruled and medical jargon melts my itty bitty heart [I really need to store a medical student in my closet to satisfy that need].

The love scenes were pointless and all it ever does is turn an otherwise strong character into a silly, useless twat. The humour was pure shit and the score almost made me fast forward parts.

Overall, I'd say skip this, unless you really like dead bodies... but if you do, keep it on the downlow, people tend to think that's strange. ;)

Half-assed recommended.

j.

Penny Dreadful by Richard Brandes [2006]

Title: Penny Dreadful
Director: Richard Brandes
Starring: Rachel Miner, Mimi Rogers, Mickey Jones
Runtime: 92 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Generation X Video

I don't really get the whole 8 Films to Die For bit, seriously what was so gruesome in this that it couldn't be showed to the general public? This would send kids to sleep faster than Dora The Explorer re-runs.

This movie opens up by introducing you to Penny, a teenage girl with an intense fear of cars after seeing both her parents die in an accident. While on the road to recovery her therapist decides to take her for a drive to the sight of the accident. What could go wrong driving in the woods?

Along the way they end up hitting a hitchhiker with quite the nasty looking exterior. Of course the nice thing to do would be to pick up the hitchhiker [I'm clearly not nice, as I'm positive I would of backed up over the body a few times and then headed for the highway]. Eventually they get to where Mr. Creepy wanted to go and let him/her off. Shortly after, Penny needs to pull over yet again for some vomiting time [I believe it's become a habit of hers] and notices the tire has a spike in it and is going flat fast. Mr. Hitchhiker shows back up, they panic, blah blah blah. I don't know about you, but personally, my rims wouldn't be of any concern if some psycho was after me, I'd drive on a flat and worry about the damage later. But of course, the characters in horror movies are never really all that smart, unless of course they are the ones doing the killing. Miss. Therapist ends up dead, as does a handful of characters that we know barely anything about, leaving us no care what so ever when they end up bleeding out.

There was quite a few decent scenes and I'm sure there would of been more if the crap would of been edited out. Not nearly enough film ended up on the cutting room floor with this little number. Had quite the steady start, a not so terrible ending, but the dragged out middle totally killed it. If this full lenght would of been made into a 45 minute short it would of come out on top.

When you base your entire movie within a car, you can only do so much before the audience starts counting sheep. And when your main character is a sobbing mess with no motivation what-so-ever in saving her own ass, why should we care? You kind of start counting down the minutes until she's dead.

Not the worse, clearly not the best. If you care to watch this, I suggest watching the middle on fast forward. You won't miss much.

Half-assed recommended.

j.

Fair Haired Child by William Malone [2006]

Title: Fair Haired Child
Director: William Malone
Starring: Lori Petty, Lindsay Pulsipher, Jesse Haddock, William Samples
Runtime: 55 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Zip.ca

I'm trying to make an honest attempt to finish off the Masters of Horror series. So with that, here's Fair Haired Child.

This little number is directed by the same guy who brought us House on Haunted Hill and Feardotcom. I know, I know... I didn't wanna watch this either as a result. I also was just as puzzled as most of you to see him listed among as the other Masters of Horror.

Now, with that out of the way, this isn't all that terrible.

The film opens up with Tara [Pulsipher] being the outsider at school , despite the fact that she's a above average looking blonde. On her way home she rides her bike into the woods as a shortcut and what follows in quite the neat little scene. A van comes out of nowhere and hits her sending her flying, this was filmed well and looks rad. I was expecting her to sit up with a bone poking out somewhere, but no dice, not so lucky.

She's then stuffed into the back of the van and later wakes up in a hospital room of sorts. After a string of bizarre questions from her nurse [Petty] she comes to realize she's not in a hospital afterall, instead she's in a secluded mansion. Before long her kidnappers have tossed her into the basement where she finds a young boy hanging from a noose.

This is where the film starts to take a turn for the worse. After letting the boy down they sort of bond together over their current situation. He's unable to speak, but the two of them feel out their surroundings to find some clear warnings that the shit is about to hit the fan.

Not to spoil anything but that little monster of sorts [that's on the DVD cover] is pretty neat looking but we don't get too much screen time with him. The flashbacks are more silly than scary, but do provide some background with whats going on.

It's good for it's for an hour long episode, but I wouldn't watch it twice. There's nothing all that memorable about it.

Half-assed recommended.

j.

The Hamiltons by The Butcher Brothers [2006]

Title: The Hamiltons
Director: The Butcher Brothers
Starring: Cory Knauf, Samuel Child, Joseph McKelheer, Mackenzie Firgens
Runtime: 90 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Generation X Video

The Hamiltons is based around a family of siblings trying to live a normal life minus their recently deceased parents... and dying gals hanging out in the basement. If that's not Brady Bunch then I don't know what is.

The oldest son seems to of taken it upon himself to be the provider and disciplinary, while the middle twins just like to suck each others face off. The youngest, Francis, is the stereotypical angst ridden teenager just trying to find his place in the world--- and distance himself from his family.

During his journey of sorts, he acquires a camcorder and starts recording the random activities of his slightly strange family.

Oh, I failed to mention something. Silly me. The Hamiltons tend to kidnap young girls, drain them of their blood, and use it as their own life source. Talk about further complicating the life of a teenager.

Due to this whole blood thirsty bit, they have to move quite often into new neighbours. New neighbours become new victims, leaving them to have to move yet again... Lovely little cycle, no?

As they've settled into their new neighbourhood, two roadtrip girls are served up as the new victims. By judging by the cover of the DVD you'd expect some fierce torture to take place, except it just doesn't. That is clearly not the angle the directors wanted to take. The horror aspect isn't even really all that present for the majority of the film. That's not a slam against the movie, not even in the slightest, it's just that the cover art is slightly misleading.

I didn't love The Hamiltons, but I didn't hate it, either.

Half-assed recommended.

j.