Boy Eats Girl by Stephen Bradley [2005]

Title: Boy Eats Girl
Director: Stephen Bradley
Starring: Samantha Mumba, David Leon, Tadhg Murphy
Runtime: 80 minutes
Year: 2005

Occasionally I wish there was a specialty made fast forward button simply titled "Cut the Shit" that drags you right to the goods. This is a movie that should be used as my perfect example for such an invention.

A little backstory shall we? Nathan, oh Nathan. The typical high school boy that crushes on his best friend but lacks the balls to chase her. But Nathan's in luck, for it seems Mrs. Potential Girlfriend Jessica just may have a little interest in him too. Aw, how Disney.

After a series of miscommunication Nathan fears he's lost Jessica for good so the only logical next step at this point is suicide by hanging. Well of course, what else would a silly high school boy do?

But to die is clearly not so easy these dies. Not when your mom knows just how to bring her dear son back from the grave. Who cares if he must live on a fresh supply of flesh and brains from here on out? At least he'll be home for Thanksgiving.

For a movie that's only 80 minutes in lenght, the entire first half is an utter bore if you can't tell from my tone above. It was almost painful to sit and watch the same teen movie garbage we've seen time and time again. At least with those Irish accents I have something to pay attention too. Similar to if there was an adorable dog running around, it's cute to watch but certainly nothing to write home about.

Once the school goes mad and kiddies are eating each other left and right things really pick up and the movie takes an unexcepted turn. The gore is certainly there, the cheese factor is high, and the kills may not be all that original but they are most definitely entertaining. Even the comedy is pretty on point. The majority of the characters are nothing more than a body to be consumed but still with the small parts they are given the cast for the most part rocked it. The token scumbag entourage that accompanies Nathan during his adventures are nothing out of the norm but seem to give a nice break here and there from the pupply love mess.

Overall, if you want some short and bittersweet zombie kill scenes watch the last 30 minutes or so. Watching the beginning is similar to watching a Sweet Valley High re-run.

Half-ass recommended.


Jo

The Machine Girl by Noboru Iguchi [2008]

Title: The Machine Girl
Director: Noboru Iguchi
Starring: Minase Yashiro, Asami, Ryōsuke Kawamura
Runtime: 96 minutes
Trailer: YouTube


Oh revenge fueled films, how I love thee. And those lovely Asian ladies in school girl outfits, I think I love you a little more. Thankfully with The Machine Girl we get both for the price of one.

There really isn't much to tell you about this little gem without giving you the goods. We have the ever adorable knock out Ami as The Machine Girl, of course she didn't pop out of the womb with a 8 barrel high power machine gun strapped to her arm. That'd be grounds for some post-birth abortion.

Instead she's the nice girl next door that just wants to lay low and do her family a world of good. Ami and Yu [her younger brother] are braving the world alone after their parents off themselves once accused of murder. Which we are kindly reminded of randomly with sweet one liners like, "What would mom and dad say, before they killed themselves over murder allegations?" Is that not some pure gold right there? Perhaps I'm easily amused.

This is straight up gore film. The blood is over the top and just keeps flowing. The kills are equally over the top provoking plenty of laughter. It's clear to see the dudes behind this number wanted you to laugh and I don't think for a moment they wanted to actually scare you. There's not an ounce of suspence, but plenty of impeccable moments worth watching over and over again.

Here's a repeat watch, a movie to toss on when you have people over, even if they are not fans of the genre. Hell, with the kind of kids I hang out with - this movie would clearly be a nice conversation starter plus a nice change of pace from what people typically watch when it comes to Japanese horror.

Highly recommended.



Jo

ps. If we've got each other linked, please update it to http://www.nightlyaccounts.com/ Thanks, ladies and gents.

Murder Party by Jeremy Saulnier [2007]

Title: Murder Party
Director: Jeremy Saulnier
Starring: Chris Sharp, Alex Barnett, Macon Blair
Runtime: 79 minutes
Year: 2007

Imagine being lonesome single boy with nothing to do on Halloween night but then finding a random invitation to cure the boredom. The invitation being to a Murder Party, leaving you instructed to come dressed in costume and alone. Would you go? I'm sure I would, but I'm kinda silly like that.

Our main hermit, Chris, is just looking for a good time but ends up being helt captive as the main source of entertainment. A bunch of geeked out college kids decide they are going to murder a random person all in the name of art. Oh la la!

This may be low budget, but it rules hard and is easily one of my favourite comedies to come out in 2007. Both the leading and supporting characters are a ton of laughs and play their roles to the max. The slight tributes to awesome movies of the past [Blade Runner!] is a nice touch, too.

Perfect in lenght, wit, and adorable costumes [let's hear it for the cardboard knight!] this exceeds any and all expectations I had for it.

Recommended.


j.

The Gate by Tibor Takács [1987]

Title: The Gate
Director: Tibor Takács
Starring: Stephen Dorff, Christa Denton, Kelly Rowan
Runtime: 85 minutes
Year: 1987

I remember catching the tail end of this when I was 12 or 13. I thought it was amazing then and now... it's still a good laugh.

Starts out with the usual 80's opening of parents leaving for vacation while the kids are left to be on their best behaviour. The older sister, Al, does what's expected and has a party. While her younger brother Glen and his friend Terry open the gate to a world filled with demons in his backyard.

This just might be one of those movies you had to see when you were a kid to enjoy. Or if, like me, you have the sense of humour of a 3rd grader and still laugh at fart jokes- you'll more than likely will find it entertaining as well.

Sometimes the acting is terrible but the heavy metal geekboy more than makes up for it. The demons are naked and more than cheesy, but I think they are cute and kinda want one as a pet. The ending is a little over the top in the 'aww' department and the last demon should of been sent back to the drawning table.

Recommended.


j.

976-EVIL by Robert Englund [1989]

Title: 976-EVIL
Director: Robert Englund
Starring: Robert Picardo, Stephen Geoffreys, Patrick O'Bryan
Runtime: 92 minutes
Year: 1989
Source: Scream Television

When I saw this was directed by Robert Englund [Freddy!] I was pleasantly surprised. I didn't even know he directed anything at all [he's actually working on a new title].

976-EVIL is supposedly the number to a horrorscope hotline that is actually the product of Satan. He uses the line to get regular mortals to do some dirty deeds for him. The two main characters would be cousins Spike [Patrick O'Bryan] and and Hoax [Stephen Geoffreys]. Spike being the bad boy next door and Hoax being your typical pocket protecter nerd. Hoax can never get the girl, accomplish anything or seem to get out of the spotlight of the local bullies- while Spile is the exact opposite. Luckily for Hoax, Spike is a nice guy and saves his ass a few times.

The boys get a number that originally just gives them some creepy fortunes, but soon Hoax discovers it's the line to Satan. Lucky for him, he soon gets some supernatural powers as a result of calling it and use his new strenght to get revenge on all of the bullies that tormented him. The build up, transformation, and story in general are all slow moving.

Unfortuantly, after taking so long to get to the goods, it falls flat in delivering. The ending has no big finale. And when the beginning, middle, and ending have nothing all that noteworthy... no real point in sitting it out.

Not recommended.


j.

Santa's Slay by David Steiman [2005]

Title: Santa's Slay
Director: David Steiman
Starring: Bill Goldberg, Douglas Smith, Dave Thomas
Runtime: 78 minutes
Year: 2005
Source: Scream Television

I can't believe I watched three movies this past week with a killer Santa as the main character. At least this this one was far superior in the comedy department than the last one Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.

The idea behind this picture is that Santa is far from being Mr. Good Guy, but instead in the son of Satan. He ends up losing a game of curling to an angel leaving his debt being to spend 1000 years delivering presents to the deserving children of the world. Once those 1000 years are up, he's hellbent on getting revenge against that angel, as well any anyone he comes into contact with [deli shop cashier or strip club customers, either way, blood is blood] and Santa does a fabulous job delivering the kills, laughing all the way.

The supporting cast does a top notch job too. The slighlty crazy grandpa [Robert Culp] and his grandson [Douglas Smith] who seem to be the only ones in the know are both hilarious and pass off plenty of one liners worth pulling out during the holidays. The icing on the cake is this is no serial killer throwing on a Santa suit, but rather Santa himself about to decapitate you. It's a nice touch and if I actually supported the idea of more killer Santa movies, I'd suggest that as the route to go. [ But please, no more.]

The kill count is pretty high, plus they are done in fun and creative ways for the most part. Who could of guessed Bill Goldberg [of the WWE] would be good in a slasher movie like this? Not this kid.

The attention to detail in most shots and especially Santa's viking inspired suit just raises the bar. This is for you if you can take a good joke and like some humour with your blood splater.

Recommended.

j.

Family by John Landis [2006]

Title: Family
Director: John Landis
Starring: George Wendt, Meredith Monroe, Matt Keeslar
Runtime: 58 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Generation X Video

Who doesn't miss Cheers? George Wendt [Norm of Cheers fame] stars as Mr. Boring Neighbour Next Door who kind of wants to melt all your skin off and arrange your bones in overly tacky outfits. Sweet.

As slow moving as this movie creeped along at times, and with terrible supporting actors, I got quite a few laughs out of it anyway. I kind of need a new set of grandparents, so I may take a few pointers , too. Educational and entertaining? Win-win!

This is one of those movies where I can't really tell you jack all without spoiling the whole thing. Not that I don't already drop enough spoilers almost daily, but this one I'll leave you in the dark about. Go rent it, prepare yourself for a few slow moving bits, but overall it's fairly decent.

Wendt carries the whole movie, so if you don't find him entertaining, then you shouldn't rush out to pick it up. The Masters of Horror series has been full of hits and misses, so for some I'm sure this goes on the misses pile, but I enjoyed it. And well, I'm all about force feeding you my opiniong, ha.

Recommended.

j.

Feast by John Gulager [2005]

Title: Feast
Director: John Gulager
Starring: Balthazar Getty, Henry Rollins, Navi Rawat
Runtime: 95 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Zip.ca

After the last two not-so-good films, this one just about makes up for it. This came as a result of the Greenlight Project contest and is produced by the always delicious Matt Damon, almost equally adorable Ben Affleck, and usually entertaining Wes Craven. This release is far more superior than their previous attempts with Greenlight.

The movie starts out with quite a few characters at a small bar doing their usual shit-talking and money making. Enough character development is done to make you remember who's who and then a new guy enters the picture. Mr. New Guy is Hero number one and comes in with a ton of bad news. Basically, a crew of monsters are on their way to eating your face. But Mr. Hero is up to the task of kicking ass and saying yours... unfortuantely he is eaten within minutes of getting us caught up to speed. Boo-hoo.

After a bloody attack that pretty much rules, in comes Mrs. Heroine. She's pissed, her husbands laying headless on the floor, her kids somewhere else, and I'm pretty positive she's ruined her manicure too. Before long, the monsters are all up in your face attempting to eat whoever has a heartbeat. The large cast then boards up the place in hopes it'll hold while they try to think of some kind of survival plan.

The comedy level is right on point, with plenty one liners delivered by a fairly entertaining cast. One of my favourite old man crushes, Henry Rollins, plays the role of Coach, a Tim Robbins wannabe/motivational speaker with too much to say, but all the clever ways to say it. Oh Henry, how I love you. This movie is worth the rental fee based on Rollins performance alone.

I'm pretty positive all the horror movie stereotypes acted out were intentional and adds a nice touch. Plus, there's plenty of blood covered clevage, guts, and fight scenes pulled off flawlessly to keep us kids happy.

Recommended.

j.

Blood Car by Alex Orr [2007]

Title: Blood Car
Director: Alex Orr
Starring: Mike Brune, Anna Chlumsky
Runtime: 76 minutes
Year: 2007
Source: Zip


This little story takes place in the future... two weeks from now. We must of managed to blow up a few more oil tankers, since gas prices rise to $40 a gallon. No one but the rich can afford to drive [not to far fetched] but otherwise, life is still fairly simple.

With those oil tankers, we must of blown up all grocery shops and markets, as all thats left food wise is a Vegatable stand [worked by none other than Ms. Anna Chlumsky of My Girl fame] for the vegans and a Meat stand for the rest of the world. Soy lattes or lambchops? Not too much for selection.

Kindergarden teacher, vegan, and all around Mr. Nice Guy, Archie [Brune] decides to make it his mission to find an alternative source of fuel. After plenty of runs to the vegatable stand picking up an endless supply of wheatgrass, hours of experimenting, and a slight careless accident, Archie soon finds a solution to the problem at hand- human blood.

Now this is where the movie gets fun. His small supply of his own blood doesn't last long nor does the corpse of the lady next door, so what is a 'nice boy' trying to cure the plagues of the modern world suppose to do? Take out the trash, of course, with his built in trunk of death.

With all this determination Archie seems to have to keep his car going, you would of guessed it was for the better of his fellow man, right? Deliver food to the hungrey? Bring medicine to the sick? Diapers to the old?...

Not quite.

Archie has fast discovered that having a form of transportation different than his bicycle brings all the ladies to his yard. Soon all the fuel he can find is used to break the speed limit while getting a stream of non-stop sexual favours from the trashy Meat stand counter girl. Oh, poor vegatable stand girl, once again you are passed up for the flesh next door.

While being the only car on the road The Government soon decides to put a tracker on Archie and his wild adventures. With all the cold blooded killing, Archie is sure to get the death penalty... or the noble peace prize.

This movie is non-stop laughs and packed with cheese, sex, and charged up with plenty of political satire. Also, who ever would of thought My Girl's Little Anna would be spending her day dreaming of blow jobs and drawing out explicit cartoons? Her character reminded me just how cute she is, here's to hoping we see more of her in the future.

Highly recommended.

j.

Graveyard Alive: A Zombie Nurse in Love by Elza Kephart [2003]

Title: Graveyard Alive: A Zombie Nurse in Love
Director: Elza Kephart
Starring: Anne Day-Jones, Samantha Slan, Karl Gerhardt
Runtime: 80 minutes
Year: 2003
Source: Generation X Video

As soon as I saw the dvd cover, I knew I had to rent this. For one, the entire film is shot black and white. The story surrounds that of Nurse Patsy, a hopeless romantic having no luck in the dating world and spends her days clutching romance novels and watching the world in love around her.

A new patient comes in one night that strangly enough survived having an axe lodged in his forehead. Nurse Patsy and this mysterious young man who smells like dog shit seemd to hit it off. She appears to just be drawn to him, despite everyone else trying to avoid as much as possible.

One night Nurse Patsey and this young man share a small kiss, one he ends with a slight bit on her bottom lip. Shortly after an all too wise janitor who is smart on all things zombie related kills the young man. Heartbroken, Patsey then morphs into quite the sex kitten on the prowl, as opposed to being distraught over his passing.

Before long Patsey comes to realize she's become a zombie and in order to stop her body from decaying she needs a steady source of fresh flesh. Now call is just pure luck- but she works right above the city morgue, freshly dead corpses for the munching.

This was originally shot to be a silent film and the dialog wasn't added until afterwards, which is occasionally obvious. This release could of been better, too many slow moving parts, but the humour and good scenes make up for it.

I also think these were the cheapest looking zombies out of every movie I've ever scene.

But overall, still worth the rental fee.

Recommended.

j.

Black Sheep by Jonathan King [2007]

Title: Black Sheep
Director: Jonathan King
Starring: Nathan Meister, Danielle Mason
Runtime: 87 minutes
Year: 2007
Source: Zip.ca

We've seen killer birds, bees, dogs, children, anything and everything. But have we seen killer sheep? I mean ruthless tear-your-thoat-from-your-neck killer sheep? Well I haven't.

Before this arrived in my mailbox, I assumed the worst. Just think, a film about sheep killing worthless humans? Eh. Quite obvious it'd be really good or really bad. Thankfully for my sanity, it's not all that bad. Some moments that acting almost killed me, but as soon as those sheep came into the picture, life ruled again. The effects are done amazingly well [and by the same crew that did the Lord of the Rings trilogy] and slammed with plenty of blood, guts, and ... sheep. There's only a handful of victims, but those that die, sure go out in style. Most of the movie was spent laughing my bum off at the non-stop one liners, the other bit was spent with that squished up face I make when things go to the gore (although to be fair, things never really get frightening). I kind of want to own one of those cute little killer genetically engineered aborted babies. Gross, huh?

The increased amount of horror comedies are more than welcome to keep coming.

Recommended.

j.

Fido by Andrew Currie [2006]

Title: Fido
Director: Andrew Currie
Starring: Carrie-Anne Moss, Billy Connolly, K'Sun Ray
Runtime: 91 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Generation X Video

I love zombies. I love Lassie. Therefore, I love Fido. This movie is completely adorable (does that kill the scary part?) and does a fine job balancing both comedy and the flesh eating undead.

First, I'd like to point out that I'd personally really enjoy having a pet zombie and I have more than a few annoying neighbours I wouldn't mind introducing him too. So please, ladies and gents, if you know of any good zombies in need of a new home, I'm your gal.

This movie is a mesh between Pleasantville and Day of the Dead- but you know that already as every single review possible has pointed out the obvious. The various references to other movies, as well as the fabulous cast seem to make this mesh work extremely well. What's with all the hinted zombie and human love? Not going to lie, I kinda liked it.

Unlike other zombie movies, Fido is more fun than run and for that, I say thanks darlin'! But don't worry, zombie fans, there is still plenty of munching on flesh and the token kill shots. But who doesn't want some fun loving zombie to play catch with, save you from the local bullies, and seduce your mom- uh, what?

This movie ruled. Go pick it up.

Highly recommended.

j.

[Word on the street is that a Friday the 13th remake is confirmed to happen. Yesss.]

Severance by Christopher Smith [2006]

Title: Severance
Director: Christopher Smith
Starring: Danny Dyer, Laura Harris, Tim McInnerny
Runtime: 96 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Blockbuster

Again, a movie that doesn't quite fit into one genre. And again, a damn good result. Take note, studios.

The basic gist is a sales team from a weapon distributing company goes on a little family vacation of sorts to build team spirit. They are expecting to come onto a luxery lodge, but after getting sidetracked by a fallen tree blocking the road and the bus driver taking the high road on foot, they end up at a rundown lodge. And not just any lodge, a lodge slammed pack with not-so-nice cyptic messages about the very company they all work for. After some shady occurances, they decide it's for their general health to get on out of there... only to find the bus driver dead in a near-by creek... oh noes, the horror! And yes, then the killing begins, but not without constant humour, to keep you both glued to the screen and pissing your pants laughing.

I'd say about 70% of this movie is pure comedy and about 30% horror, but it works so well that you don't quite get tired of either. The humour compliments the horror. The team behind this definitely didn't rely on cheap jokes to carry the carry the weight of the film, as the effects and horror scenes can keep up with the current heavy weights of the genre. Warning, however, is that about 3/4 of the way in, they just cut out the comedy department and turn the film strictly horror. Not the smoothest transition, one moments you are laughing at the well done comedy driven chase, the next moment it's like... oh.. no more laughing, eh? Ah, thanks for the heads up. That's it. The last 20 minutes or so is nothing but serious business, but it does work. Maybe it just caught me off guard? I went into watching this with no expectations, just saw the cover at Blockbuster and decided I need to see it.

Comedy? Horror? Who fucking cares. This movie is worth renting in my humble ass opinion.

Recommended.

j.