Suicide Club by Sion Sono [2002]

Title: Suicide Club [aka Suicide Circle]
Director: Sion Sono
Starring: Saya Hagiwara, Ryo Ishibashi, Akaji Maro
Runtime: 99 minutes
Year: 2002

I hunted down this movie after only seeing a short 2 minute clip on YouTube of the opening scene. A scene that includes 54 laughing schoolgirls jumping in front of a speeding train. It's a cheese bloodsplatter shot that makes me smile all big on the inside. I was certain this was going to be another comedy driven J-horror film.

Unfortunately, not so much.

Instead it's this drawn out confusing mesh of social commentary, mass suicidals, unlikeable characters, and over the top annoying pop music that seems to come out of nowhere randomly. Uh, fun?

Maybe I'm just not with it today, cause I only understood what was going on about half the time and even then, it wasn't anything all that special. Sure there was some sweet scenes here and there but over all, I just wasn't impressed.

The suicides were played out nicely for the most part. Almost every one was acted out by people with smiles on their faces, speaking together as though they are about to go out for a night of good times instead of stepping off a rooftop. If there was a little less social commentary and maybe a little more focus on the actual characters [and easy to warm up to ones would of been nice] then I think I may of kinda sorta enjoyed this movie.

It was most certainly nice on the eyes to watch, beautifully done, but that's all I got.

If for some reason you come down with the chicken pox next week and need to kill some time keeping your feet up, rent this. It'll kill and hour and a half for you with a few random upskirt shots, mediocre gore, and a few head scratching moments.

Half-assed recommended.


Jo

Boy Eats Girl by Stephen Bradley [2005]

Title: Boy Eats Girl
Director: Stephen Bradley
Starring: Samantha Mumba, David Leon, Tadhg Murphy
Runtime: 80 minutes
Year: 2005

Occasionally I wish there was a specialty made fast forward button simply titled "Cut the Shit" that drags you right to the goods. This is a movie that should be used as my perfect example for such an invention.

A little backstory shall we? Nathan, oh Nathan. The typical high school boy that crushes on his best friend but lacks the balls to chase her. But Nathan's in luck, for it seems Mrs. Potential Girlfriend Jessica just may have a little interest in him too. Aw, how Disney.

After a series of miscommunication Nathan fears he's lost Jessica for good so the only logical next step at this point is suicide by hanging. Well of course, what else would a silly high school boy do?

But to die is clearly not so easy these dies. Not when your mom knows just how to bring her dear son back from the grave. Who cares if he must live on a fresh supply of flesh and brains from here on out? At least he'll be home for Thanksgiving.

For a movie that's only 80 minutes in lenght, the entire first half is an utter bore if you can't tell from my tone above. It was almost painful to sit and watch the same teen movie garbage we've seen time and time again. At least with those Irish accents I have something to pay attention too. Similar to if there was an adorable dog running around, it's cute to watch but certainly nothing to write home about.

Once the school goes mad and kiddies are eating each other left and right things really pick up and the movie takes an unexcepted turn. The gore is certainly there, the cheese factor is high, and the kills may not be all that original but they are most definitely entertaining. Even the comedy is pretty on point. The majority of the characters are nothing more than a body to be consumed but still with the small parts they are given the cast for the most part rocked it. The token scumbag entourage that accompanies Nathan during his adventures are nothing out of the norm but seem to give a nice break here and there from the pupply love mess.

Overall, if you want some short and bittersweet zombie kill scenes watch the last 30 minutes or so. Watching the beginning is similar to watching a Sweet Valley High re-run.

Half-ass recommended.


Jo

Inside [À l'intérieur] by Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury [2007]

Title: Inside / À l'intérieur
Director: Alexandre Bustillo & Julien Maury
Starring: Béatrice Dalle, Alysson Paradis
Runtime: 83 minutes
Year: 2007

I've never heard so much good about a single movie as I have about Inside [exceptions being Halloween and Jaws]. And like those movies, this is one I'd recommend to anyone and everyone. There wasn't a single aspect or scene that disappointed me.

First of all the two main characters are strong female leads, a nice treat. Both are easy to identify with, easy to fall for, and very human. An element most horror villians lately seem to lack.

First we have Sarah, a young pregnant woman dealing with the recent death of her boyfriend. She's so distant and cold you'd almost assume she wanted absolutely nothing to do with the scheduled birth that is to take place the very next day. Almost as though she is left to just go through the motions, alive but not really living. The photographers scattered around her home just echo the reality that she is now just merely a shell of her former self.

Once the amazingly put together character, commonly refered to as La Femme, enters the picture the blood just starts to pour. Plenty of blood. No chainsaws, no hardcore ammunition, just everyday scissors and knitting needles. Never again will those simple objects be looked at as just household items. You could arm an army with these bad boys and get the job done as La Femme clearly demostrates. Basic tools tend to always get the job done the most visually appealing way when it comes to horror, time and time again.

As the movie gets going there's this heavy, nauseating feeling that just comes over you that prove just how damn good of a job this pair of directors did. They managed to pull of a constant urgent sense of emergency, the ongoing dread of no escape. This castrophobic moment where all Sarah can do is scream and beat at the walls that are keeping her confined is all to easy to relate to.

It seems easy enough to toss around buckets of blood and ruthless masked monsters, but to pull off what these dudes did? That level of suspence that keeps you demanding to know what's going to happen next. Man, all I can say is thank you. Easily one of the best films I've seen in recent history and already an instant classic in my collection.

I had waited quite a while to see this little number, but the wait was well worth it.

Highly recommended.


Jo

ps. If we've got each other linked, please update it to http://www.nightlyaccounts.com/ Thanks, ladies and gents.

The Machine Girl by Noboru Iguchi [2008]

Title: The Machine Girl
Director: Noboru Iguchi
Starring: Minase Yashiro, Asami, Ryōsuke Kawamura
Runtime: 96 minutes
Trailer: YouTube


Oh revenge fueled films, how I love thee. And those lovely Asian ladies in school girl outfits, I think I love you a little more. Thankfully with The Machine Girl we get both for the price of one.

There really isn't much to tell you about this little gem without giving you the goods. We have the ever adorable knock out Ami as The Machine Girl, of course she didn't pop out of the womb with a 8 barrel high power machine gun strapped to her arm. That'd be grounds for some post-birth abortion.

Instead she's the nice girl next door that just wants to lay low and do her family a world of good. Ami and Yu [her younger brother] are braving the world alone after their parents off themselves once accused of murder. Which we are kindly reminded of randomly with sweet one liners like, "What would mom and dad say, before they killed themselves over murder allegations?" Is that not some pure gold right there? Perhaps I'm easily amused.

This is straight up gore film. The blood is over the top and just keeps flowing. The kills are equally over the top provoking plenty of laughter. It's clear to see the dudes behind this number wanted you to laugh and I don't think for a moment they wanted to actually scare you. There's not an ounce of suspence, but plenty of impeccable moments worth watching over and over again.

Here's a repeat watch, a movie to toss on when you have people over, even if they are not fans of the genre. Hell, with the kind of kids I hang out with - this movie would clearly be a nice conversation starter plus a nice change of pace from what people typically watch when it comes to Japanese horror.

Highly recommended.



Jo

ps. If we've got each other linked, please update it to http://www.nightlyaccounts.com/ Thanks, ladies and gents.

Storm Warning by Jamie Blanks [2007]

Title: Storm Warning [Unrated]
Director: Jamie Blanks
Starring: Nadia Farès, John Brumpton, Robert Taylor
Runtime: 82 minutes
Year: 2007

I rented this on Tuesday with all intentions of not liking it. I really thought it would recieve a huge fail on all fronts.

Surprisingly, the movie was not nearly as bad as I'd imagined. I'd actually go as far as to say it was good. Unoriginal, yes. But still, damn good.

There is scenes for the gore junkies while showing homage to a few of the classics. We've been front and center and seen these kind of scenarios unfold a hundred times before us. But isn't that kind of what you come to expect occasionally? The whole wrong place, wrong time situation? At least here we get a little twist. Instead of the playing up the damsel-in-distress routine, we get a little role reversal.
The husband was initially The Hero but lost the spotlight to the french speaking, uber hot woman known as his wife.

As they say... hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Clearing she was not cast just for her ass flaunting abilities (although, she does that as well). She nails the part perfectly when it came to slowly becoming the revengeful killer, the lead up is done exceptionally well. Forget running dirt roads screaming half-naked when you are locked up in a barn filled with all sorts of things to use as you please and the time to make the little devices your heart desires. This is the kind of victim I enjoy seeing every once in a while. The victim that not only fights back, but makes a mess of your face in the process.

I can see the aspects to this movie that could make it rank high on the shit list for some [and I'm sure it does] but I enjoyed it. The cast was awesome with the exception of the husband role, that dude could of used an espresso or two prior to setting foot on set. A little slow starting, but once it got going it kept my attention.

Recommended.


Jo

I'd like to give a big high five to my fellow regular horror bloggers that tend to entertain me daily. They rule. So, if you are a lurker from elsewhere, really- go check them out! In no order other than alphabetical: Horror-Movie-A-Day, Mad Mad Mad Mad Movie Reviews, The Horrors of It All, The Vault of Horror and usually Wine And Werewolves - but where the crap did CG go?! Sheesh.

Rest Stop: Dead Ahead by John Shiban [2006]

Title: Rest Stop [Unrated version]
Director: John Shiban
Starring: Jaimie Alexander, Joey Mendicino, Joseph Lawrence
Runtime: 85
Year: 2006

There's some days where all I wanna do is toss in a movie soaked of blood, where no real plot is needed just the usual suspects torturing each other. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I just may need professional help.

Rest Stop sure delivers the blood and the typical damsel-in-distress set-up. We have a young couple comprised of recent runaway Nicole and her attractive enough boyfriend Jess making their way to Los Angeles.

As you can guess from the title, the movie makes a highway rest stop it's center stage, as if they aren't disgusting enough as is. When Nicole has to take a tinkle, they stop only for her to come out to find her boyfriend has vanished. Right away she seems to put it all together to figure out a serial killer must be responsible. Give this gal an award, I simply would of assumed something better came along if I were her.

Like most lovely, yet clueless, ladies in these films we tend to love so much, Nicole just keeps hanging around this rest stop. No matter how many times she escapes, or how many times people try to kill her and those she comes into contact with, she keeps returning. Maybe she has the runs and can't bear to be away from the toilet? Whatever the case, it gets to the point where you kind of just want her to die already. To much time is spent on the same cat and mouse game where we don't get to see the one doing all the chasing, nor do we get to see boob from the one being chased. I need something people, or how else do you intend to keep my attention?

The gore scenes sure do deliver when we get them and hey- we even get a small cameo from Mr. Blossom himself, Joey 'Woah!' Lawrence! We even get to see him get shot in the face! Win-win for all involved.

The sum it all up: The plot sucks but the disgusting stuff is there in just the right amount. So if you are anything like me and just want those mindless movie days filled with guts and junk, then borrow this one from your neighbour [cause I wouldn't want to pay for it].


Half-assed recommended.

j.



ps. To keep up with my blog and how I tend to go about it, I won't be reviewing the movies I watched while MIA. I don't ever review anything I saw more than a few days ago, one of few guidelines I've set for myself way back when. :)

Jack Ketchum's The Girl Next Door by Gregory Wilson [2007]

Title: Jack Ketchum's The Girl Next Door
Director: Gregory Wilson
Starring: Blythe Auffarth, Daniel Manche, Blanche Baker
Runtime: 91
Year: 2007

The 1950's have been painted as this sweet and innocent decade thanks to Coca Cola ads and Leave it to Beaver. The Girl Next Door rips it apart within minutes.

We are first introducted to David, an older man trying to deal with the guilt he has surrounding the torture and death surrounding a childhood friend of his. That friend being Meg and her sister Susan. Following the death of their parents the sisters live with Auntie Ruth and her three sons. She's viewed as the 'too kind' woman on the block that all the neighbour boys viewed as one of the guys. Laid back, full of wisdom and a fridge stacked with beer she's more than willing to share with the pre-teens.

Right away it becomes quite clear that Ruth is not so fond of other women, herself included, she's bitter and has no trust in grown men. Which I'm sure explains her choice in surrounding herself with young boys that know no better. Ruth has taken a particular interest in disliking Meg and finding creative ways to teach her lifes little lessons with the boys of the neighbour fully involved in 'the game'.

Once the torture starts, the whole tone of the movie changes. It's incredible to see the gradual changes with Aunt Ruth's demeanor. Any remaining part of a sympathetic, loving person slowly disappears entirely and all that is left is this vile hate machine. Blanche Baker plays this whole amazingly well, she really makes it all come together, along with her talented young co-stars.

I read this book a while ago and was never able to shake it, let alone that there was more than one moment where I had to put it down for a few days. The ways they torture this poor young girl is unbelievable and although we see more and more torture driven movies being released, this is possibly more horrifying than some can handle. Even though we don't see some parts of what is happening, we know the horrors of what is going on.

Quite a few parts are really hard to watch, but you feel you are commited to finishing the film. I can't imagine walking out on this story, I'd feel I cheated the characters.

Proceed with caution, but do see this release if you get the opportunity to do so.

Recommended.


j

The Lost by Chris Sivertson [2005]

Title: The Lost
Director: Chris Sivertson
Starring: Marc Senter, Shay Astar, Alex Frost
Runtime: ?
Year: 2002

This past weekend I was lucky enough to go catch two film adaptations of books by Jack Ketchum, horror writer extraordinaire. Seeing both The Lost and The Girl Next Door on the big screen, followed by a Q&A with Jack was quite a treat. Having read both the books, I was hoping the adaptations would hold up well. Good news is, they exceeded my expectations. Job well done, fellas. And thanks to Jovanka of Rue Morgue Magazine, I was able to tag along to dinner with Jack Ketchum and crew to hear more of what one of my favourite authors had on the brain. Amazing night, to say the least.

Ok, on to what is usually wrote around here. :)

Remember in high school the typical small man, big mouth guy? The one that always wanted to be seen as Mr. Big Shot but in reality was someone everyone else viewed as a joke? That would be the main character, Ray Pye [Senter]. Always in black with crushed beer cans in his boots to make him appear taller, Ray wants your attention, your respect, and he wants you to fear him. When really, he's just another annoying asshole you've seen a hundred times before.

During the opening scene, Ray is out camping with his friend Tim [Frost] and occasional girlfriend Jennifer [Astar] when they come across two girls. They spend the evening watching these girls at their campsite all night from behind bushes and all is well until Ray sees them share a friendy peck. He interprets this as though they must be 'lezzies' and therefore, why not kill them? Even just the mentioning of the idea puts the power in Ray's hands.

Ray shoots both girls from a distance with a stolen shotgun, one of the girls are able to outrun him and makes it to the highway and survives, barely. The other girl is not so lucky.

The movie then speeds ahead 4 years, when the surviving victim finally dies, as she's been in a coma since the shooting. The small town cops are all sorts of frustrated, the towns a wreck- but Ray just continues business as usual. With an on-going supply of drugs and alchol at his disposal, as well as a small town sort of rockstar status he's made for himself, life is good. He's either fucked, or will fuck, every girl in town- a fact he's quite pleased with.

Marc Senter plays the role of Ray perfectly, he brings across the image that you really couldn't give a rats ass about what happens to Ray. You don't care about him, just the surrounding characters. You know Ray is going to snap, you know it's coming- what toward who? And how? As Ray comes across various women in his town he soon refers to as 'his girls', you start to fear for them. Most of these girls are just the female version of Ray in the cocky, self-absorbed department, you can tell they don't know who they are dealing with.

When Ray finally snaps, the way it unfolds is perfection- and I don't care to give it away. He goes at his chosen victims with such a strong hate for life in general.

I loved the book and thankfully, the movie ruled too.

Recommended.


j

ps. Lucky McKee [director of May] seems to have his hands all over the film adaptation Jack Ketchum's Red. Sweet.

Dark Water by Hideo Nakata [2002]

Title: Dark Water
Director: Hideo Nakata
Starring: Hitomi Kuroki, Rio Kanno, Mirei Oguchi
Runtime: 101 minutes
Year: 2002

The Basics: A recently seperated mother, Yoshimi [Kuroki] moves into a run down apartment building with her 6 year old daughter, Ikuko [Kanno]. Currently tackling a drawn out custody case with her ex-husband, she's under a watchful eye to do right and lead a normal life. It's made known in the beginning that both her and her husband have recieved physiatric help in the past. How's that for an obvious glance to what the next hour holds - she's about to go crazy and no one will believe what she claims.

The new apartment they've moved into have an issue with water, it's everywhere always. You couldn't pay me to ride in an elevator with a soaking wet floor and rain dripping in. I may love the undead, but I'm not so into the idea of a damp death [or a premature one at that].

The young girl, Ikuko , finds a little girls red bag. After we see it, we don't stop seeing it. The mother tries to get rid of it multiple times, but it always shows back up. Kind of like a pair of annoying neighbours... oh wait.

Anyways, at times this little number is super slow pace wise, but it's still enjoyable. Falling more on the creep instead of horror side of things, I'm sure I enjoyed this simply because I've never seen Ringu, which was directed by Hideo Nakata as well. Apparently they are very similar. I've seen The Ring and find them different enough.

Once thing I don't quite get, is how fast the remake was put out. This was done in 2002 and then in 2005 the U.S remake was done with Jennifer Connelly as the lead. I've yet to see that one, but if it's the same, I don't see the need for it.

Recommended.


j.

Frankenfish by Mark A.Z. Dippé [2004]

Title: Frankenfish
Director: Mark A.Z. Dippé
Starring: Tory Kittles, K.D. Aubert, China Chow
Runtime: 84 minutes
Year: 2004



If you want some silly little twists, predictable characters on the edge of kinda hot, and red necks - then you'll like this release.

I actually really liked the monster, in that pure cheese kinda way, but that's about it.

Not even 10 minutes after watching it, I find nothing memorable to write about it.

Ah well.

Not recommended.


j.

Murder Party by Jeremy Saulnier [2007]

Title: Murder Party
Director: Jeremy Saulnier
Starring: Chris Sharp, Alex Barnett, Macon Blair
Runtime: 79 minutes
Year: 2007

Imagine being lonesome single boy with nothing to do on Halloween night but then finding a random invitation to cure the boredom. The invitation being to a Murder Party, leaving you instructed to come dressed in costume and alone. Would you go? I'm sure I would, but I'm kinda silly like that.

Our main hermit, Chris, is just looking for a good time but ends up being helt captive as the main source of entertainment. A bunch of geeked out college kids decide they are going to murder a random person all in the name of art. Oh la la!

This may be low budget, but it rules hard and is easily one of my favourite comedies to come out in 2007. Both the leading and supporting characters are a ton of laughs and play their roles to the max. The slight tributes to awesome movies of the past [Blade Runner!] is a nice touch, too.

Perfect in lenght, wit, and adorable costumes [let's hear it for the cardboard knight!] this exceeds any and all expectations I had for it.

Recommended.


j.

Skinwalkers by James Isaac [2006]

Title: Skinwalkers
Director: James Isaac
Starring: Jason Behr, Elias Koteas, Rhona Mitra
Runtime: 91 minutes
Year: 2006

I guess not everyone is stoked on the idea of being a werewolf. When two clans of werewolves with an opposite set of morals collide it's nothing but high speed chases and drawn out gun fights? Uh... more biting and ripping apart, please...?

The story revolves around a boy soon approaching his 13th birthday. Once he reaches it, the werewolves will cease to be and return to living normal human lives. To some of the werewolves this is looked at as a saving grace, a way to remove the curse they've been left to deal with. To the others, this is not at all welcomed, as they quite enjoy feeding on the flesh of mere mortals.

My favourite part of the movie was in the beginning when you first come to realize the setting is a community full of gun toting crazies ready to blast your ass off. When the 'bad guys' first come into their little downtown district it's lovely to see the otherwise sweet old lady yanking out some guns. Oh, and can't forget how even the mailman is packing at all times. It's fun and a nice way to get the movie rolling.

I'd like to know where it's written that werewolves and vampires of the 'bad boy' variety must be decked out in leather, have long greasy hair and ride motorcycles? Can't the Abercromie & Fitch sporting nerds be in love with blood too? Just a thought. Hell, I'd enjoy seeing the 'bad guy' getting served up a hot steaming plate of death more if they were wearing Uggs and popped collars.

I know that werewolf movies have been done to death over and over again, but if you can look past the plot holes [that's what we get when they slice minutes off to get a PG 13 rating, I guess] and occasional cheese moments, this release ain't so bad.

Recommended.


j.

Wicked Little Things by J.S Cardone [2006]

Title: Wicked Little Things
Director: J.S. Cardone
Starring: Scout Taylor-Compton, Lori Heuring, Chloe Moretz
Runtime: 94 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Zip.ca

We are first introduced to recent widow, Karen [Heuring] and her two daughters Sarah [Scout Taylor-Compton of Rob Zombie's Halloween] and Emma [Chloe Moretz]. After her husband's death, Karen has little in way of finances and options, but she does have the deed to an old house from the family he never spoke about.

Old, dark inherited house? Check. Hot chick? Check. Zombies? Check. Sounds familiar. A plus being the zombies are children but they are also just wearing some fancy black attire and white face paint. Although, they do get elbow deep in some raw flesh of the human variety, that's a good sign, right?

There really isn't anything all that new here, but who needs originality anyways? I'm not even sure if the word zombie can even be applied here. They lack the whole aimless wondering for flesh take we see so often. They don't even eat everything in sight, either. Zombies on a mission!

A sweet neat shot was when a few of the still breathing characters are standing on the main floor of a house while a not so fortuante character is upstairs being pulled apart and eaten. As they stand listening to the events above, the blood drips through the old wooden floors covering them. Great shot. And talk about a creepy prank to pull while crashing at an old cottage. Ideas, ideas...

Not recommended.

j.

Deathwatch by Michael J. Bassett [2002]

Title: Deathwatch
Director: Michael J. Bassett
Starring: Jamie Bell, Rúaidhrí Conroy, Mike Downey
Runtime: 94 minutes
Year: 2002
Source: Generation X Video

Deathwatch starts out with a bunch of British soldiers stumbling unto an almost empty trench. All that remains is a few German soldiers on the verge of death with a few warnings of their own. The setting is WW1 wartime full of mud, fog, rain, and the smell of death.

The British boys had just been through a night of hell leaving them lost and alone. They decide to secure the trench and camp out there until they can reach help. Before long they come to realize they just might not be alone. Someone or something is in the supposed secured trench with them.

We've seen most of the characters in other films before, as they tend to cover every soldier stereotype possible, which isn't really all that bad. But not all to original, either. The location is dead on, the trench itself is one of the movies winning points. It's quite disgusting. There is dead bodies all over in various degrees of decomp, the whole place is soaked muddy water, with rats and other gross little creatures running around. Sounds lovely, I wonder what they charge for rent?

My main issue with this release is all the aimless wandering, seeming to go nowhere. Too much time spent on nothing is time that could be better spent. Also, maybe because this sort of play out has been done over and over again, I found it to be a little too predictable. Not to deep into the film and you've pretty much got it all figured out. Leaves for little to look forward too, also the scare level is not too high. There is some really good intense moments, but they tend to be cut short.

I would suggest you check this out if you are a fan of wartime movies in general, otherwise I'd say skip it.

Half-ass recommended.


j.

Beyond the Wall of Sleep by Barrett J. Leigh & Thom Maurer [2006]

Title: Beyond the Wall of Sleep
Director: Barrett J. Leigh & Thom Maurer
Starring: Fountain Yount, Greg Fawcett, William Sanderson
Runtime: 84 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Generation X Video

According to the box, this little number is based on the short story of the same name by H.P Lovecraft. I really don't see how, but I guess not many directors can bring story to film and make it a success.

I don't even really know how to give you a rundown on this release. The first 40 minutes or so are all over the place. Shortly you come to realize the main setting is an Asylum filled with crazy patients and even more crazy Doctors and an intern wearing a terrible dollar store wig. There is no 'good guy' or 'bad guy', it's all just a bunch of inbred hillbillies, some just happen to be wearing white coats and have the upper hand in the whack job experiments happening.

Some parts are so over the top you can't help but laugh, while other parts are too out there and confusing it's hard to follow [or care to make the effort]. I'm sure there is a legion of fans, simply due to the Lovecraft connection. But if someone can point out a good reason to give this another viewing [the bad boob job doesn't count, wasn't worth seeing the first time around] then I will pop it back in.

The ending has some good laughs, but not worth picking up... no matter how cheap the cost.

Not recommended.


j.

The Nun by Luis de la Madrid [2005]

Title: The Nun
Director: Luis de la Madrid
Starring: Anita Briem, Cristina Piaget, Alistair Freeland
Runtime: 105 minutes
Year: 2005
Source: Generation X Video

Yet again, I am fooled by a rad looking DVD cover. Damn it.

Here's a movie based around a nun who is hellbent on getting revenge on her former students that killed her. Known for enforcing strict rules and washing away sin with hardcore punishment, Sister Ursula kicks all sorts of ass.

Her students, not to stoked on the treatment they are recieving, drown her and toss her body into a lake of holy water. Years later Sister Ursula is back. Yes, this movie is as predictable as it already sounds.

I guess in an attempt to pull the Scream generation into the movie threater the director decided to add a bunch of teenagers into the otherwise adult cast. The teenagers feature Eve, daughter of the first student killed. She catches a quick glimpse of a ghostly nun when she walks in on her dying mother. Somehow she sees it to be a bright idea to drag her friends into the mess.

Like I mentioned, this movie is all sorts of predictable. If they were to avoid the teen aspect and focus more on the stronger parts of the movie [the theme behind the killings, boarding school scenes, the adults that became background co-stars, and the nun herself] then we may of had a winner. Instead, we got another dose of I Know What You Did Last Summer mixed in with a small bit of The Davinci Code. The ending provides a nice twist, too bad it takes too long to get there.

Not recommended.


j.

Willard by Glen Morgan [2003]

Title: Willard
Director: Glen Morgan
Starring: Crispin Glover, R. Lee Ermey, Laura Harring
Runtime: 100 minutes
Year: 2003
Source: Scream Television


I never saw the 1971 original Willard, so I had nothing to compare this too [which is usually for the better].

Crispin Glover does a fabulous job as Willard. He's creepy, yet charming. He's quite the loner, but half the college girls I know would still do him.

Rats creep me out, always have, and these little co-stars are no different. They serve as Willard's little soldiers, out to do whatever he wishes. Willard has no real motivation in life, his boss [his late father's business partner] has no love for him at all and treats him as such.

Once Willard comes into contact with the rats, it kind of gives you that warm, gushy feeling to see how he interacts with then. This socially awkward man finally finds companionship in an army of furry friends. Even as he stands at the head of his mothers corpse, he seems to feel more for his dear rats.

The dark comedy aspects are what carry Willard for the most part. At times extremely slow and sorta boring, but the good make up for it. If it wasn't for Crispin Glover, this would easily be a disaster. Someone, give that boy some candy for a job well done.

Recommended.


j.

Rise: Blood Hunter by Sebastian Gutierrez [2007]

Title: Rise: Blood Hunter
Director: Sebastian Gutierrez
Starring: Lucy Liu
Runtime: 122 minutes
Year: 2007
Source: Blockbuster

I like Lucy Liu. She's hot, usually kicks ass, and I have a crush on her. With the mention that Rise:Blood Hunter had a few boob shots featuring Ms. Liu, why resist?

Maybe the fact that their is a ton of vampire movies, rarely anything coming out recently worth renting. Or that I had heard not a single good thing on this release could of been an alarm not to waste the rental fee. But no, I went with the gut feeling that Ms. Liu wouldn't let me down.

Oh, how I was wrong.

If you've ever watched a vampire movie, read a book on the topic, or even caught a late night showing of some amature blood sucking movie, then really- no need to venture here. As this so-called plot rips on everything previously released and fails hard.

We start out with reporter Sadie [Liu] who ends up undead in the morgue after publishing an article on the local goth kids. I guess 'real' vampires still pick up the paper daily, what caring members of the community. Apparently if you wake up in the morgue, don't try to find out how or why you are there, just put it all together within moments and realize you are a vampire, it's the only logical explaination...? Then set out on a quest to kill those responsible, with a drunken slob of a cop as a sidekick? I must mention that Sadie is also the weakest vampire ever to grace my tv, she gets her ass handed to her by mere mortals? Someone obviously failed at The Vampire School of Kicking Ass. This story is all to predictable and lacking anything worth watching. I wish I could point out something positive to say... but even the 'good' parts are close to terrible.

Not recommended.

j.


ps. - The season 2 finale of Dexter just makes the idea of waiting for season 3 equal to sawing my ears off. Hurry up, please.
- I Am Legend was above decent. The good outweighed the bad, but the bad was really bad. No review- as it's been reviewed to death all over the net. :)

Santa's Slay by David Steiman [2005]

Title: Santa's Slay
Director: David Steiman
Starring: Bill Goldberg, Douglas Smith, Dave Thomas
Runtime: 78 minutes
Year: 2005
Source: Scream Television

I can't believe I watched three movies this past week with a killer Santa as the main character. At least this this one was far superior in the comedy department than the last one Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.

The idea behind this picture is that Santa is far from being Mr. Good Guy, but instead in the son of Satan. He ends up losing a game of curling to an angel leaving his debt being to spend 1000 years delivering presents to the deserving children of the world. Once those 1000 years are up, he's hellbent on getting revenge against that angel, as well any anyone he comes into contact with [deli shop cashier or strip club customers, either way, blood is blood] and Santa does a fabulous job delivering the kills, laughing all the way.

The supporting cast does a top notch job too. The slighlty crazy grandpa [Robert Culp] and his grandson [Douglas Smith] who seem to be the only ones in the know are both hilarious and pass off plenty of one liners worth pulling out during the holidays. The icing on the cake is this is no serial killer throwing on a Santa suit, but rather Santa himself about to decapitate you. It's a nice touch and if I actually supported the idea of more killer Santa movies, I'd suggest that as the route to go. [ But please, no more.]

The kill count is pretty high, plus they are done in fun and creative ways for the most part. Who could of guessed Bill Goldberg [of the WWE] would be good in a slasher movie like this? Not this kid.

The attention to detail in most shots and especially Santa's viking inspired suit just raises the bar. This is for you if you can take a good joke and like some humour with your blood splater.

Recommended.

j.

I Know Who Killed Me by Chris Sivertson [2007]

Title: I Know Who Killed Me
Director: Chris Sivertson
Starring: Lindsay Lohan
Runtime: 105 minutes
Year: 2007
Source: Work

Being sick and heavily medicated leaves me to watch anything laying around, against my better judgement. At least this is my excuse for watching I Know Who Killed Me.

Lindsay Lohan played the role of Aubrey Fleming, a smart pianist/writer? She's well liked and a typical 'good girl' who is polite and doesn't put out. Talk about a tough time Ms. Lohan must of had to pull that off.

Right after the local football team [fronted by Aubrey's boyfriend] takes the win, they all head out for a night on the town. Somehow in the crowd, Aubrey gets seperated from her friends and goes missing.

This is following the recent discovery of a body of a girl that went missing a few weeks prior. She is found with various limbs missing and seemed to of drowned. In no time Aubrey's body is found and missing a few body parts of her own. Except Aubrey is claiming to be someone entirely different, she's claiming to be a stripper named Dakota.

The movie isn't all that believable, nor is it really all that likable. At times, they shove information at you, at other times it's slow paced and drawn out but for no real reason. I must say, Lohan is an alright actress, especially during the torture scenes [which by the way are straight up punch-in-the-gut torture] and I think if given the proper role, she might excel with this whole acting thing.

The end is kind is kind of messy and the loose ends aren't all tied up. But by the time you are half way done the movie, you are laughing at the terrible way it's all laid out. Quite a few "Are you serious?" moments followed by more laughter.

But hey, if you really hate Lohan [which is silly], you can see her cry and scream out in pain and with a gruesome amputation that's done in quite the unique way. On the other hand, if you really like Lohan and want to see her strip for a few minutes at a time even if the stripclub scenes are boring and PG13, which could of been it's only saving grace in the eyes of some.

Not recommended.

j.