Wicked Little Things by J.S Cardone [2006]

Title: Wicked Little Things
Director: J.S. Cardone
Starring: Scout Taylor-Compton, Lori Heuring, Chloe Moretz
Runtime: 94 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Zip.ca

We are first introduced to recent widow, Karen [Heuring] and her two daughters Sarah [Scout Taylor-Compton of Rob Zombie's Halloween] and Emma [Chloe Moretz]. After her husband's death, Karen has little in way of finances and options, but she does have the deed to an old house from the family he never spoke about.

Old, dark inherited house? Check. Hot chick? Check. Zombies? Check. Sounds familiar. A plus being the zombies are children but they are also just wearing some fancy black attire and white face paint. Although, they do get elbow deep in some raw flesh of the human variety, that's a good sign, right?

There really isn't anything all that new here, but who needs originality anyways? I'm not even sure if the word zombie can even be applied here. They lack the whole aimless wondering for flesh take we see so often. They don't even eat everything in sight, either. Zombies on a mission!

A sweet neat shot was when a few of the still breathing characters are standing on the main floor of a house while a not so fortuante character is upstairs being pulled apart and eaten. As they stand listening to the events above, the blood drips through the old wooden floors covering them. Great shot. And talk about a creepy prank to pull while crashing at an old cottage. Ideas, ideas...

Not recommended.

j.

Deathwatch by Michael J. Bassett [2002]

Title: Deathwatch
Director: Michael J. Bassett
Starring: Jamie Bell, Rúaidhrí Conroy, Mike Downey
Runtime: 94 minutes
Year: 2002
Source: Generation X Video

Deathwatch starts out with a bunch of British soldiers stumbling unto an almost empty trench. All that remains is a few German soldiers on the verge of death with a few warnings of their own. The setting is WW1 wartime full of mud, fog, rain, and the smell of death.

The British boys had just been through a night of hell leaving them lost and alone. They decide to secure the trench and camp out there until they can reach help. Before long they come to realize they just might not be alone. Someone or something is in the supposed secured trench with them.

We've seen most of the characters in other films before, as they tend to cover every soldier stereotype possible, which isn't really all that bad. But not all to original, either. The location is dead on, the trench itself is one of the movies winning points. It's quite disgusting. There is dead bodies all over in various degrees of decomp, the whole place is soaked muddy water, with rats and other gross little creatures running around. Sounds lovely, I wonder what they charge for rent?

My main issue with this release is all the aimless wandering, seeming to go nowhere. Too much time spent on nothing is time that could be better spent. Also, maybe because this sort of play out has been done over and over again, I found it to be a little too predictable. Not to deep into the film and you've pretty much got it all figured out. Leaves for little to look forward too, also the scare level is not too high. There is some really good intense moments, but they tend to be cut short.

I would suggest you check this out if you are a fan of wartime movies in general, otherwise I'd say skip it.

Half-ass recommended.


j.

Beyond the Wall of Sleep by Barrett J. Leigh & Thom Maurer [2006]

Title: Beyond the Wall of Sleep
Director: Barrett J. Leigh & Thom Maurer
Starring: Fountain Yount, Greg Fawcett, William Sanderson
Runtime: 84 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Generation X Video

According to the box, this little number is based on the short story of the same name by H.P Lovecraft. I really don't see how, but I guess not many directors can bring story to film and make it a success.

I don't even really know how to give you a rundown on this release. The first 40 minutes or so are all over the place. Shortly you come to realize the main setting is an Asylum filled with crazy patients and even more crazy Doctors and an intern wearing a terrible dollar store wig. There is no 'good guy' or 'bad guy', it's all just a bunch of inbred hillbillies, some just happen to be wearing white coats and have the upper hand in the whack job experiments happening.

Some parts are so over the top you can't help but laugh, while other parts are too out there and confusing it's hard to follow [or care to make the effort]. I'm sure there is a legion of fans, simply due to the Lovecraft connection. But if someone can point out a good reason to give this another viewing [the bad boob job doesn't count, wasn't worth seeing the first time around] then I will pop it back in.

The ending has some good laughs, but not worth picking up... no matter how cheap the cost.

Not recommended.


j.

The Nun by Luis de la Madrid [2005]

Title: The Nun
Director: Luis de la Madrid
Starring: Anita Briem, Cristina Piaget, Alistair Freeland
Runtime: 105 minutes
Year: 2005
Source: Generation X Video

Yet again, I am fooled by a rad looking DVD cover. Damn it.

Here's a movie based around a nun who is hellbent on getting revenge on her former students that killed her. Known for enforcing strict rules and washing away sin with hardcore punishment, Sister Ursula kicks all sorts of ass.

Her students, not to stoked on the treatment they are recieving, drown her and toss her body into a lake of holy water. Years later Sister Ursula is back. Yes, this movie is as predictable as it already sounds.

I guess in an attempt to pull the Scream generation into the movie threater the director decided to add a bunch of teenagers into the otherwise adult cast. The teenagers feature Eve, daughter of the first student killed. She catches a quick glimpse of a ghostly nun when she walks in on her dying mother. Somehow she sees it to be a bright idea to drag her friends into the mess.

Like I mentioned, this movie is all sorts of predictable. If they were to avoid the teen aspect and focus more on the stronger parts of the movie [the theme behind the killings, boarding school scenes, the adults that became background co-stars, and the nun herself] then we may of had a winner. Instead, we got another dose of I Know What You Did Last Summer mixed in with a small bit of The Davinci Code. The ending provides a nice twist, too bad it takes too long to get there.

Not recommended.


j.

Dark Angel: The Ascent by Linda Hassani [1994]

Title: Dark Angel: The Ascent
Director: Linda Hassani
Starring: Angela Featherstone, Cristina Stoica, Daniel Markel
Runtime: 81 minutes
Year: 1994
Source: Scream Television

Welcome to quite the strange little gem of a movie.

Basically, Veronica [Featherstone] is a demon living the high life in Hell, all while wanting to walk on the earth above. Her parents, an overly religious mother [?!] and a 9-5 punishment giving father serving Satan. I wonder how they met? MySpace? They seem to compromise by saying grace [?!] prior to munching on the flesh of the damned.

Although forbidden to leave the gates of hell, Veronica finds a passage way that brings her to a downtown district? When she walks the earth her tail, horn, and other demon bargain shop accessories vanish and she's left standing naked. A good looking enough young Doctor happens to be learing out his window and notices her. Right away she's hit by a car [still naked] and the young Doctor Max treats her minor bruises. As he's using his stethoscope to listen to her heart beat, get this, he hears the cries of the damned being punished in hell. How cool is that? I'd offer her a record contract, asap.

Once Veronica wakes up, Max seems to take it upon himself to make sure she is truly ok and offers his bedroom. Within no time they are busy banging by day, and Veronica is out slaying the bad people of their city. Oh, I forgot to mention, when Veronica crossed over she brought her adorable German Sheppard doggie, Hellraiser with her. As she's hunting down the damned, Hellraiser cleans up and enjoys the organs. Veronica is so kind to even bring him home leftovers for the next morning! None of which our not-to-smart doctor can seem to piece together initially.

Once Veronica lets her true self be known, during sex of course when she transforms, Max couldn't seem to care less. He still falls in love with her, how inspiring. The ending is a little Brady Bunch, which just adds to the laughs.

As cheesy as it may be, Dark Angel is fun. I'm not so sure the director was going for the comedy aspect, but it makes the film.

Recommended.


j.

Dark Waters by Mariano Baino [1994]

Title: Dark Waters [also known as Dead Waters]
Director: Mariano Baino
Starring: Louise Salter, Louise Salter, Mariya Kapnist
Runtime: 94 minutes
Year: 1994
Source: Generation X Video

What better way to spend the holidays than watching films full of religious iconography?

We are early on introducted to Elizabeth [Louise Salter], a young lady first landing on a small island that is home to a small but creepy convent. After her father recently passed away she is on a mission to first find out why he's been sending these nuns money and to seek information about her friend that recently visited and went missing. Also, an interesting tibit of information, her mother died giving birth to her on that same island. Personally, I'd stay clear for those three reasons as opposed to showing up in the middle of the night.

Nuns and blood, tons of it right from the get go, pretty much makes for a sure thing. The visuals are awesome, occasionally a bit dark [crappy in the lighting department], but almost always entertaining. The atmosphere is right on point and makes you believe what you are viewing, even with all the crazy nuns running around.

Maybe it's from spending the majority of my schooling in the roman catholic school board, but anything religion based tends to suck me in. All those religion classes and lectures gave me an advantage in all the jargon often tossed around, as good or bad as that may be. This is a title worth picking up, just make sure you grab the NoShame release as it's apparently is the best on the quality side of things.

Recommended.


j.

976-EVIL by Robert Englund [1989]

Title: 976-EVIL
Director: Robert Englund
Starring: Robert Picardo, Stephen Geoffreys, Patrick O'Bryan
Runtime: 92 minutes
Year: 1989
Source: Scream Television

When I saw this was directed by Robert Englund [Freddy!] I was pleasantly surprised. I didn't even know he directed anything at all [he's actually working on a new title].

976-EVIL is supposedly the number to a horrorscope hotline that is actually the product of Satan. He uses the line to get regular mortals to do some dirty deeds for him. The two main characters would be cousins Spike [Patrick O'Bryan] and and Hoax [Stephen Geoffreys]. Spike being the bad boy next door and Hoax being your typical pocket protecter nerd. Hoax can never get the girl, accomplish anything or seem to get out of the spotlight of the local bullies- while Spile is the exact opposite. Luckily for Hoax, Spike is a nice guy and saves his ass a few times.

The boys get a number that originally just gives them some creepy fortunes, but soon Hoax discovers it's the line to Satan. Lucky for him, he soon gets some supernatural powers as a result of calling it and use his new strenght to get revenge on all of the bullies that tormented him. The build up, transformation, and story in general are all slow moving.

Unfortuantly, after taking so long to get to the goods, it falls flat in delivering. The ending has no big finale. And when the beginning, middle, and ending have nothing all that noteworthy... no real point in sitting it out.

Not recommended.


j.

Willard by Glen Morgan [2003]

Title: Willard
Director: Glen Morgan
Starring: Crispin Glover, R. Lee Ermey, Laura Harring
Runtime: 100 minutes
Year: 2003
Source: Scream Television


I never saw the 1971 original Willard, so I had nothing to compare this too [which is usually for the better].

Crispin Glover does a fabulous job as Willard. He's creepy, yet charming. He's quite the loner, but half the college girls I know would still do him.

Rats creep me out, always have, and these little co-stars are no different. They serve as Willard's little soldiers, out to do whatever he wishes. Willard has no real motivation in life, his boss [his late father's business partner] has no love for him at all and treats him as such.

Once Willard comes into contact with the rats, it kind of gives you that warm, gushy feeling to see how he interacts with then. This socially awkward man finally finds companionship in an army of furry friends. Even as he stands at the head of his mothers corpse, he seems to feel more for his dear rats.

The dark comedy aspects are what carry Willard for the most part. At times extremely slow and sorta boring, but the good make up for it. If it wasn't for Crispin Glover, this would easily be a disaster. Someone, give that boy some candy for a job well done.

Recommended.


j.

Rise: Blood Hunter by Sebastian Gutierrez [2007]

Title: Rise: Blood Hunter
Director: Sebastian Gutierrez
Starring: Lucy Liu
Runtime: 122 minutes
Year: 2007
Source: Blockbuster

I like Lucy Liu. She's hot, usually kicks ass, and I have a crush on her. With the mention that Rise:Blood Hunter had a few boob shots featuring Ms. Liu, why resist?

Maybe the fact that their is a ton of vampire movies, rarely anything coming out recently worth renting. Or that I had heard not a single good thing on this release could of been an alarm not to waste the rental fee. But no, I went with the gut feeling that Ms. Liu wouldn't let me down.

Oh, how I was wrong.

If you've ever watched a vampire movie, read a book on the topic, or even caught a late night showing of some amature blood sucking movie, then really- no need to venture here. As this so-called plot rips on everything previously released and fails hard.

We start out with reporter Sadie [Liu] who ends up undead in the morgue after publishing an article on the local goth kids. I guess 'real' vampires still pick up the paper daily, what caring members of the community. Apparently if you wake up in the morgue, don't try to find out how or why you are there, just put it all together within moments and realize you are a vampire, it's the only logical explaination...? Then set out on a quest to kill those responsible, with a drunken slob of a cop as a sidekick? I must mention that Sadie is also the weakest vampire ever to grace my tv, she gets her ass handed to her by mere mortals? Someone obviously failed at The Vampire School of Kicking Ass. This story is all to predictable and lacking anything worth watching. I wish I could point out something positive to say... but even the 'good' parts are close to terrible.

Not recommended.

j.


ps. - The season 2 finale of Dexter just makes the idea of waiting for season 3 equal to sawing my ears off. Hurry up, please.
- I Am Legend was above decent. The good outweighed the bad, but the bad was really bad. No review- as it's been reviewed to death all over the net. :)

Santa's Slay by David Steiman [2005]

Title: Santa's Slay
Director: David Steiman
Starring: Bill Goldberg, Douglas Smith, Dave Thomas
Runtime: 78 minutes
Year: 2005
Source: Scream Television

I can't believe I watched three movies this past week with a killer Santa as the main character. At least this this one was far superior in the comedy department than the last one Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.

The idea behind this picture is that Santa is far from being Mr. Good Guy, but instead in the son of Satan. He ends up losing a game of curling to an angel leaving his debt being to spend 1000 years delivering presents to the deserving children of the world. Once those 1000 years are up, he's hellbent on getting revenge against that angel, as well any anyone he comes into contact with [deli shop cashier or strip club customers, either way, blood is blood] and Santa does a fabulous job delivering the kills, laughing all the way.

The supporting cast does a top notch job too. The slighlty crazy grandpa [Robert Culp] and his grandson [Douglas Smith] who seem to be the only ones in the know are both hilarious and pass off plenty of one liners worth pulling out during the holidays. The icing on the cake is this is no serial killer throwing on a Santa suit, but rather Santa himself about to decapitate you. It's a nice touch and if I actually supported the idea of more killer Santa movies, I'd suggest that as the route to go. [ But please, no more.]

The kill count is pretty high, plus they are done in fun and creative ways for the most part. Who could of guessed Bill Goldberg [of the WWE] would be good in a slasher movie like this? Not this kid.

The attention to detail in most shots and especially Santa's viking inspired suit just raises the bar. This is for you if you can take a good joke and like some humour with your blood splater.

Recommended.

j.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 by Lee Harry [1987]

Title: Silent Night, Deadly Night 2
Director: Lee Harry
Starring: Eric Freeman, James Newman, Elizabeth Kaitan
Runtime: 88 minutes
Year: 1987
Source: Zip.ca

Since I really enjoyed Silent Night, Deadly Night why not give the sequel a shot? It made for a short movie since you can easily fast forward the majority of the first half of the movie. It's nothing but footage from the first film with little clips of the present movie. Shouldn't it be the opposite?


Once you are about 40 minutes in the movie finally starts and the few kills are done decent enough. It's when it gets to Ricky throwing on the Santa suit and confronting Mother Superior when things peak...? Although, it's a weak one at that. How does he just slash people non-stop, but an 80 year old retired nun who's in a wheelchair and suffered a stoke able to outrun him repeatedly? Oh movies, you continue to defy the laws of the world.

Not recommended.

j.

Silent Night, Deadly Night by Charles E. Sellier Jr. [1984]

Title: Silent Night, Deadly Night
Director: Charles E. Sellier Jr.
Starring: Robert Brian Wilson, Lilyan Chauvin
Runtime: 85 minutes
Year: 1984
Source: Zip.ca

I've never been much of a fan of Christmas, and even more so, never really a fan of Christmas inspired movies. But a while back the Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies blog convienced me to add this little gem to my queue.

In short, this movie ruled.

We start out with Santa Claus killing the cashier at a poor mans Kwik-E-Mart for a measly $31. The North Pole must not pay that much.

We then meet a young boy named Billy getting schooled on all things naughty from his crazy old half-dead grandfather to his way to happy mommy dearest. His family is on a roadtrip for the holidays when his jolly daddy decides to stop to help a stranded Santa. Not so smart, as he put a few in his chest and slit the thoat of his wife. How's that for Happy Holidays?

Billy and his little brother Ricky are left untouched... and without parents. The movie then fast forwards a few years to show the boys living at St. Mary's Orphanage with a few not-so-nice nuns. As the years pass, Billy shows more and more hatred for St. Nick and the whole Christmas time of year. The head nun, Mother Superior, uses her own unconventional forms of punishment to discipline him.

Once Billy grows up he ends up working at a toy shop and surprise, surprise ends up being assigned the role of Santa. And this, my friends, is when the killing spree begins.

I feel like a jackass that I never cared to pick this up before, as it's damn good. The music is extremely present in almost every scene, so many tits with teenage hormones running wild, and the kills are fun too. Let's all hang a body on a set of antlers on the deer head in the livingroom! Woohooo.

Apparently this movie caused tons of controversy when it was first released for having a killer Santa Claus and displaying nuns in a not-so-nice way. I'm sure when the remake gets released, it'll get no flack for those things, with us living in the days of Saw and all that supposed 'torture porn', a killer Santa is no biggie.

I think this is one to show to the young kids during our family get together this Christmas Eve, as we are related, I'm sure they'll adore it.

Highly recommended.

j.

Habit by Larry Fessenden [1997]

Title: Habit
Director: Larry Fessenden
Starring: Larry Fessenden, Meredith Snaider
Runtime: 112 minutes
Year: 1997
Source: Generation X Video

We start out being introduced to Sam [Fessenden], a mexican restaurant manager and 24/7 alcoholic. He's so far failing hard in life, his leading lady just left him, plus he's not the best looking boy on the block. Introduce Anna [Snaider], a cocky little lady who's also quite the hottie. For some bizarre reason she sets her eyes on Sam, the two then proceed to bang out like little bunnies. Repeatly. Actually the bang out sessions tend to take up a good chunk of the movie. Bang out, suck blood, sleep, hung over... repeat. Fun, eh? No wonder Larry cast himself in his movie, he gets to get naked with quite the hottie.


This movie has been recommended to me about 4 times, so when I saw it on the shelf at Gen X, I had to rent it. I kinda wanna kick those that recommended it to me, or at least toss rotten vegetables at them. It was tough to watch this start to finish and took a few attempts to finish it off. That kind of speaks volumes, right?

Not recommended.

j.

ps. Still sick. But I went back to work today[been off since Friday!], so that's a plus, right? I'll catch up on BlogLand, comments, and related goodness later. In the meantime, bring me some soup? :)

I Know Who Killed Me by Chris Sivertson [2007]

Title: I Know Who Killed Me
Director: Chris Sivertson
Starring: Lindsay Lohan
Runtime: 105 minutes
Year: 2007
Source: Work

Being sick and heavily medicated leaves me to watch anything laying around, against my better judgement. At least this is my excuse for watching I Know Who Killed Me.

Lindsay Lohan played the role of Aubrey Fleming, a smart pianist/writer? She's well liked and a typical 'good girl' who is polite and doesn't put out. Talk about a tough time Ms. Lohan must of had to pull that off.

Right after the local football team [fronted by Aubrey's boyfriend] takes the win, they all head out for a night on the town. Somehow in the crowd, Aubrey gets seperated from her friends and goes missing.

This is following the recent discovery of a body of a girl that went missing a few weeks prior. She is found with various limbs missing and seemed to of drowned. In no time Aubrey's body is found and missing a few body parts of her own. Except Aubrey is claiming to be someone entirely different, she's claiming to be a stripper named Dakota.

The movie isn't all that believable, nor is it really all that likable. At times, they shove information at you, at other times it's slow paced and drawn out but for no real reason. I must say, Lohan is an alright actress, especially during the torture scenes [which by the way are straight up punch-in-the-gut torture] and I think if given the proper role, she might excel with this whole acting thing.

The end is kind is kind of messy and the loose ends aren't all tied up. But by the time you are half way done the movie, you are laughing at the terrible way it's all laid out. Quite a few "Are you serious?" moments followed by more laughter.

But hey, if you really hate Lohan [which is silly], you can see her cry and scream out in pain and with a gruesome amputation that's done in quite the unique way. On the other hand, if you really like Lohan and want to see her strip for a few minutes at a time even if the stripclub scenes are boring and PG13, which could of been it's only saving grace in the eyes of some.

Not recommended.

j.

The Gathering by Brian Gilbert [2002]

Title: The Gathering
Director: Brian Gilbert
Starring: Christina Ricci, Kerry Fox, Steven Dillane
Runtime: 92 minutes
Year: 2002
Source: Generation X Video

Why this is being marketed as a horror is beyond me. I'd file it under the way to boring thriller section, personally.

The movie opens up with two teenagers running up a hill, only to fall into a crack[?] and die. Yup. Fun, huh? Seems as though they fell into the middle of an old church that was covered years ago.

As this is going on, Cassie [Ricci] is wandering through England on foot when she is hit by a car. Once she wakes up, she's without any memory of who she is, where she is from, or why she is in England [as her accent clearly reveals she's from America]. The women who hit her, Marion [Fox], feels terrible so she invites Cassie to stay with her family at their place.

The father of the family is Simon [Dillane], an art historian who is currently examining the church mentioned above. Sounds weak and boring, doesn't it? Cause it surely is.

Cassie starts to have these visions of the people around her being killed off. The visions are neat enough, I guess, but too bad the actual deaths don't live up to them, nor does the time between them. The story is easy to follow if you can keep your eyes open. No wonder it took the studio 5 years to release this. I like Christina Ricci enough, she's cute enough in that geeky kind of way but damn, that girl brings death to the majority of the films she is in. Go back to the Casper days, little lady.

Not recommended.

j.


ps. I've been sick all weekend and still am, hence the lack of updates. Watched a few movies but all of them complete stinkers. More updates soon, ha. :)

Kill, Baby... Kill! by Mario Bava [1966]

Title: Kill, Baby... Kill!
Director: Mario Bava
Starring: Giacomo Rossi-Stuart, Erica Blanc
Runtime: 85 minutes
Year: 1966
Source: Zip.ca

I've had this disc sitting on my computer desk for the last two weeks and everytime I popped it in, I was pulled away to do something else. Finally, I was able to sit back and finish it off start to finish, thankfully.

I'm not too familiar with Mario Bava's work, of course I've seen his name mentioned in multiple interviews and credited as a great influence. But I've yet to actually sit back and watch his movies back-to-back, such a shame. This being only the second Bava film I've seen [the first being Black Sabbath] but totally sucked me in. I feel kind of guilty for not hunting down his titles before.

This movie starts out with Dr. Paul Eswai [Giacomo Rossi-Stuart] being called in to a small town to perform an autopsy on a girl that had the misfortune to land on the sharp end of a pointy fence. After meeting one of the prettiest actresses ever, Monica [Erica Blanc], he starts the autopsy only to find a coin stuck in the womens heart. Slightly odd, don't you think?

Before long Eswai comes to realize the whole town is cracked and suspicious deaths isn't really all that rare in their end of the woods. This doctor likes to earn his paycheck, I suppose, and decides to toss on his investigator hat to find out just what all in going on in this little town. All signs point to this secluded estate where a young girl named Melissa was killed off some 20+ years ago. Creeep. The towns people seem to not like the Doctor getting all up in their business, but as he persists, well... I can't go ruining the movie for you, now can I?

The real winning aspect to this movie is all the attention to detail. Every shot is creepy, the sound effects rule and bring you into the moment, so even if nothing is actually happening on screen, your at the edge of your seat waiting for it. My attention is hard to hold at times, but Bava did so easily.

Highly recommended.

j.

ps. I just read the feature on The Girl Next Door in the latest issue of Rue Morgue magazine. I'm on a hunt tomorrow to find it in stores [came out on DVD Dec. 4th]. Sounds really good, initially I first thought it would be just another 'torture porn' attempt, but apparently that's the exact opposite of what the director was going for. Go check out the trailer.

Also, today I picked up the info and photo intensive book Horror Films by Alan Frank [first published in 1977] at a used book shop for $5. Sweet find.

The Howling by Joe Dante [1981]

Title: The Howling
Director: Joe Dante
Starring: Dee Wallace, Patrick Macnee, Belinda Balaski
Runtime: 91 minutes
Year: 1981
Source: AMC/cable

If you want to watch a really rad werewolf transformation then this is for you. If you care to see a werewolf serial killer... then why haven't you seen this yet? The Howling has been on my list of movies to watch for a while, just haven't got around to actually picking it up.

Starts out with an anchorwoman meeting up with a serial killer, only to suffer amnesia afterwards. Her doctor, obviously on the crack pipe, then sends her out to a relaxation resort [that happens to have more than a handful of werewolves calling the place home].

Overall, this is just a really strong werewolf story, with good characters, decent enough effects, and a werewolf sex scene to boot. How could you not love it? The gore level isn't high up there and at times the movie is a bit slow, but really, it all comes together quite well. A few of the supporting actors really need to re-think their mission in life, as acting is obviously not it, but I guess that's why they are supporting and I can't even think of another film they are in?

Don't care to give out anymore details, but go pick this up, even just for the werewovles themselves. Don't tell anyone, but I'm pretty certain they even creeped me out a wee bit.

Recommended.

j.

Horror of the Blood Monsters by Al Adamson [1970]

Title: Horror of the Blood Monsters
Director: Al Adamson
Starring: John Carradine, Robert Dix, Vicki Volante
Runtime: 85 minutes
Year: 1970
Source: Zip.ca

This movie gets one big Wtf? For one, it has a zillion titles. I don't think re-releasing a movie multiple times under various titles is really going to generate that much more revenue. Also, it seems like there is various movies all kind of sliced up and mashed together to make this craptastic piece.

It was more than difficult to sit and watch the whole thing, although some parts [like the beginning] were so bad they were kind of good? Just skip the terrible parts for a few so bad it's good parts, but even then, it's not really worth the effort.

Not recommended.

j.

Unrest by Jason Todd Ipson [2006]

Title: Unrest
Director: Jason Todd Ipson
Starring: Corri English, Scot Davis, Joshua Alba
Runtime: 88 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Generation X Video

There is two things that irk the hell out me when it comes to movies - useless love plots added in and terrible music. Sadly for Unrest, it has both.

However, Unrest also features plenty of medical scenes [my weakness], well done dead bodies, and overall I like the way it was filmed. If it wasn't for the actual characters, I may of really liked this film. But last time I checked, they tend to need characters for movies? Eh, whatever. The dead bodies ruled and medical jargon melts my itty bitty heart [I really need to store a medical student in my closet to satisfy that need].

The love scenes were pointless and all it ever does is turn an otherwise strong character into a silly, useless twat. The humour was pure shit and the score almost made me fast forward parts.

Overall, I'd say skip this, unless you really like dead bodies... but if you do, keep it on the downlow, people tend to think that's strange. ;)

Half-assed recommended.

j.

Gravedancers by Mike Mendez [2006]

Title: The Gravedancers
Director: Mike Mendez
Starring: Dominic Purcell, Josie Maran, Clare Kramer, Marcus Thomas
Runtime: 95 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Generation X Video

Since my fellow movie bloggers gave this raving recommendations, how could I need go out and rent it? And thankfully, they are on point, as this was easily the best out of last years After Dark Horrorfest. Which isn't to say it's absolutely amazing, but the best among it's peers.

First, I gotta say, the ghosts looked amazing. Happy, smiling ghosts doing everything in their power to kick your ass for disrespecting theirs? Awesome. Far superior to the moody, miserable jerkoff ghost that tries to teach you a lesson [like 95% of ghost movies].

This little bad boy starts out with three friends celebrating the life of a dead friend by dancing on graves[?] after downing a few too many. They picked the wrong corpses to piss off, as they happened to be a bitter axe murderer, a wee little kid addicted to starting fires [with you in it], and a sadistic rapist with a good boy exterior.

Along the way of trying to save their asses they team up with some slighlty annoying paranormal investigators. I wonder if that position exists in the real world? Cause I surely wouldn't mind telling people the exact opposite of what to do just to watch them die. [I know, I know... I'm going to hell].

There's a reason this is the most recommended features out of the Horrorfest films from last year. The ghosts carry the movie, they have more of a story than the actual 'victims' and keeps you rooting for the bad guys.

Recommended.

j.

Family by John Landis [2006]

Title: Family
Director: John Landis
Starring: George Wendt, Meredith Monroe, Matt Keeslar
Runtime: 58 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Generation X Video

Who doesn't miss Cheers? George Wendt [Norm of Cheers fame] stars as Mr. Boring Neighbour Next Door who kind of wants to melt all your skin off and arrange your bones in overly tacky outfits. Sweet.

As slow moving as this movie creeped along at times, and with terrible supporting actors, I got quite a few laughs out of it anyway. I kind of need a new set of grandparents, so I may take a few pointers , too. Educational and entertaining? Win-win!

This is one of those movies where I can't really tell you jack all without spoiling the whole thing. Not that I don't already drop enough spoilers almost daily, but this one I'll leave you in the dark about. Go rent it, prepare yourself for a few slow moving bits, but overall it's fairly decent.

Wendt carries the whole movie, so if you don't find him entertaining, then you shouldn't rush out to pick it up. The Masters of Horror series has been full of hits and misses, so for some I'm sure this goes on the misses pile, but I enjoyed it. And well, I'm all about force feeding you my opiniong, ha.

Recommended.

j.

Penny Dreadful by Richard Brandes [2006]

Title: Penny Dreadful
Director: Richard Brandes
Starring: Rachel Miner, Mimi Rogers, Mickey Jones
Runtime: 92 minutes
Year: 2006
Source: Generation X Video

I don't really get the whole 8 Films to Die For bit, seriously what was so gruesome in this that it couldn't be showed to the general public? This would send kids to sleep faster than Dora The Explorer re-runs.

This movie opens up by introducing you to Penny, a teenage girl with an intense fear of cars after seeing both her parents die in an accident. While on the road to recovery her therapist decides to take her for a drive to the sight of the accident. What could go wrong driving in the woods?

Along the way they end up hitting a hitchhiker with quite the nasty looking exterior. Of course the nice thing to do would be to pick up the hitchhiker [I'm clearly not nice, as I'm positive I would of backed up over the body a few times and then headed for the highway]. Eventually they get to where Mr. Creepy wanted to go and let him/her off. Shortly after, Penny needs to pull over yet again for some vomiting time [I believe it's become a habit of hers] and notices the tire has a spike in it and is going flat fast. Mr. Hitchhiker shows back up, they panic, blah blah blah. I don't know about you, but personally, my rims wouldn't be of any concern if some psycho was after me, I'd drive on a flat and worry about the damage later. But of course, the characters in horror movies are never really all that smart, unless of course they are the ones doing the killing. Miss. Therapist ends up dead, as does a handful of characters that we know barely anything about, leaving us no care what so ever when they end up bleeding out.

There was quite a few decent scenes and I'm sure there would of been more if the crap would of been edited out. Not nearly enough film ended up on the cutting room floor with this little number. Had quite the steady start, a not so terrible ending, but the dragged out middle totally killed it. If this full lenght would of been made into a 45 minute short it would of come out on top.

When you base your entire movie within a car, you can only do so much before the audience starts counting sheep. And when your main character is a sobbing mess with no motivation what-so-ever in saving her own ass, why should we care? You kind of start counting down the minutes until she's dead.

Not the worse, clearly not the best. If you care to watch this, I suggest watching the middle on fast forward. You won't miss much.

Half-assed recommended.

j.

Awake by Joby Harold [2007]

Title: Awake
Director: Joby Harold
Starring: Jessica Alba, Hayden Christensen, Terrence Howard
Runtime: 84 minutes
Year: 2007
Source: In Threater

I'm a movie threater junkie, I tend to go about once a week either to see some new cartoon movie or a horror if I'm lucky [FYI: I only tend to like horror or cartoons, no romantic comedies for this gal]. I'm just down for the big screen. When we got there this weekend and were late for Hitman we decided on seeing Awake simply off the movie poster [and that Jessica Alba is a total fox].

I went into this mess without even a heads up to what I was getting myself into.

The movie starts out pretty typical, a young couple in love and in lust with some hot sexin'. Yesss. I think I even say 'aww' a little bit, but don't tell anyone. We then realize Mr. Rich Boy is just that, loaded to the tits with family money and little Miss. City Girl is his mommy's personal assistant. Oh to be young in love ... and hiding it from the world. Gag.

We then find out Mr. Rich Boy doesn't dare tell his overbaring mother that he's dating Miss City Girl, let alone that they are planning to wed. Oh, and this kid has some heart issue, on the verge of death if he doesn't find a heart transplant soon.

When Mr. Rich Boy finally finds his balls and comes clean about his engagement, he decides to rush off that night to get married. Uh, you really showed her, momma's boy! And get this- while on his way to consummate his marriage he gets the call! A heart donor has been found! Rush to the hospital- save yo' self!

Woah, talk about a night. You finally cut the umbilical cord from mommy dearest and confess your love for the poor ol' girl from Brooklyn, rush off and elope, and then your life is saved all in one night? Talk about a story for the grandkids.

Oh, but it only gets better.

His mommy is there, of course, with some big shot fancy pants heart doctor on his way to being Surgeon General offering his services. But no, Mr. Rich Boy must get Dr. Second Rate, a man that once saved his life and has since become his fishing buddy to perform his operation. Fast forward all the unneeded tears and you have Mr. Rich Boy laying out on a slab in what could quite possibly be the most cheap looking operating room in movie history. Dr. Drunken Second Rate administers the general anesthesia but... he must of drove into the scotch a little early, as he totally fails and ohhh the suspence! Mr. Rich Boy is paralyzed, unable to move--- but fully awake and aware! He's experiencing the directors version of anesthesia awareness.

While feeling the whole operation [cutting him open, breaking his ribs, blah blah blah] he hears his trusted friend and doctor talking about killing him! Imagine that! Mr. Four Malpractise suits in killing Mr. Rich Boy!

It just continues to go down from there and the next 30 or so minutes are a little to predictable, but hey, plenty of laughs were to be had [although, I don't think that's the angle the director was going for].

I don't recommend this movie, not even a little bit. But if you want to see some killer Alba side boob, rent it when it hits the DVD shelves.

j.

Trauma by Marc Evans [2004]

Title: Trauma
Director: Marc Evans
Starring: Colin Firth, Naomie Harris, Mena Suvari
Runtime: 88 minutes
Year: 2004
Source: Generation X Video

I wish I could find the motivation to at least somewhat re-cap this craptastic movie for you, but I just don't have it.

Boring, confusing, and lack of anything even remotely interesting pretty much sums it up. Wife dies, dude starts to go insane, sees crap all over the city, blah blah blah.

So I'll skip giving you anymore info on it and just give the warning to stay clear and not waste money on a rental fee.

I feel cheated- give me my $5.50 back.

Not recommended. Not even a little bit.

j.

Village of the Damned by Wolf Rilla [1960]

Title: Village of the Damned
Director: Wolf Rilla
Starring: George Sanders, Barbara Shelley, Michael Gwynn
Runtime: 77 minutes
Year: 1960
Source: TCM on cable

Ah, the original Village of the Damned. I remember watching the first part of this when I was about 10 or so, and then my grandma turned it off. Such a shame.

The movie starts opens in the town of Midwich, all the residents seem to of blacked out for three hours. No explaination can be found and life resumes are usual. Then two months later, all the towns women are pregnant. Including those that haven't got banged out in a while, causing alarm.

Once the children are finally ready to be born, they all are on the same night, with numerous similarities. They all are large babies (over 10 pounds, ouch), white hair, strange fingernails, and the most unusal eyes that tend to glow when pissed off. As they age the creep factor just goes up- they all dress the same, grow and mature way faster than usual, super-intelligent, void of any kind of emotion and seem to be able to communicate without speaking or without even being in the same room. The parents and community in a whole are all creeped right the fuck out and decide to send these kids to their own private boarding school fronted by a too kind man who is the pretend father of one of them.

A few locals tend to die unexpectantly, but it isn't until adults witness a man drive his car into a brick wall after almost hitting one of the creepy bastard children.

The movie was shot all in black and white, which just seems to up the creep vibe ten fold. There honestly isn't anythnig to complain about [and I can almost always find a few flaws since I'm an anal dick].

Highly recommended.

j.